Meggie's Letters
by WickedSong
Summary: One night when she cannot sleep Meggie takes five letters out. They are each from someone she lost and she will read them, one by one. Meggie's POV mostly. Will change with each letter. SPOILER WARNING.
1. Sleepless Nights

Meggie's Letters

Prologue - Sleepless Nights

By WickedSong

WARNING : SPOILERS ABOUND!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything used in this story.

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It was the storm that stirred me out of my sleep. I sat up, startled, with my hair sticking to my forehead. I could feel the heat. Sighing I rolled over in my bed and tried to resume sleep but I couldn't. Even though there was a storm outside it was quiet in the house. All I could hear was the creaking which was something I had grew accustomed to anyway. I hated the silence. It gave me time to think. Something that I didn't have the time to do in the day. Knowing that I was not going to be getting any sleep that night I sat up in my bed and decided. Turning around I picked up my pillow. Under it lay five letters. Five letters from five people I had loved... loved very much. My children, my husband and the woman who had been my friend. All there. The letters they had written me. It had started with Lynette's. From then on I had waited. Patiently. Now I knew I finally had the last from Jasmine. Trembling slightly I picked all five up in the order I had received them and made my way to the sitting room. I sat on the couch and picked up the first. The first from my daughter. From Lynette.

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This story will be short and all chapters are posted together which is good.

Hope you enjoy though.


	2. Lynette's Letter

Meggie's Letters

Chapter One - Lynette's Letter

By WickedSong

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Lynette. My daughter. I missed her dearly. She had such a bright future ahead of her. One that was cruelly taken away from her by people who just didn't know any better. Sometimes I think of the word 'if'. I think of that word a lot when I think of my children. If she hadn't went out that night. If she hadn't met Jed. If she and him hadn't been attacked. Well what Meggie, I ask myself? Would she still be here? Would I have more grandkids? I don't know. Looking down at my hands I see the letter - unopened. I tell myself I had been waiting. I tell myself that all the time but I know the real reason. I was scared. Scared of what this letter would say to me. Scared of what all of them may say. I plucked up my courage, or what I had left and unfolded the scribbled mess which was the letter. I start at the top. I'm still scared. Maybe this is a bad idea, I tell myself but I force myself anyway.

_Dear Mum_

_Please don't cry for me. We both knew my time here was limited. After Jed died I was on a cliff and no one could've brought me back. No matter how much you wanted to. Yes, I think you call tell where I'm going when I speak about such things. I planned my death. I stood in front of this bus and I don't know how much this information will hurt you. I want you to know though that the results mean I'm in a happier place. I'm with Jed. Maybe I'm watching down on you reading this letter. Maybe you're reading it twenty years, thirty years later. All I ask is that you don't tell dad or Jude about my suicide. They're already consumed so much by their hate._

_Lots of love _

_Lynette x_

I grasp the letter tightly and for a moment I don't believe. Lynette committed suicide, I'm still surprised and I'm surprised by that in itself. Over the course of these last years I've found that no amount of unkindness or shocking act could surprise me too much. But genuinely I am shocked. Lynette.

"How could you?" I ask looking upwards towards the ceiling and I hope that there is somewhere beyond there where Lynette is looking down at me smiling as she stands with everyone. Jed, Ryan, Callum. Is Jude there too? Or did he go to hell? I'm so confused. I hold my head in my hands as I put the letter beside me and face it downwards. That is the last time I'll read that letter. The first and the last time. It will be the same for the rest. I can't live with it any other way. Gulping to stop tears I pick up the next and even the handwriting throws me off. It's Ryan's. Ryan's letter.

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	3. Ryan's Letter

Meggie's Letters

Chapter Two – Ryan's Letter

By WickedSong

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The handwriting. I trace it fondly. It's strange and true how much I've missed that small thing. Also how much I still miss Ryan is strange. Gone for almost two decades now and not a day passes when I don't think of him. I can tell the same thing with Sephy. Although she's happy with Nathan I can tell she always has Callum on her mind. Maybe we have more in common than I originally thought. I'm letting myself get sidetracked, I scold myself and I look down at the letter once more. I open it with my hands still trembling and my heart as heavy as ever. I take a quick glance at the clock. It reads 2:30am. I sigh, a long night ahead. I can tell. Opening the letter I take a quick peek skimming at first but then I force myself to read it. To read every word.

_Dear Meggie_

_What can I say to make this easier for you? A joke? Tell you how much I love you? Not do what I'm about to do? Either way I'm dead. If I escape successfully I'll be hunted. I won't see you but if I die. Well that's the same as being hunted, isn't it? You are such a strong person. I saw that when Lynette died. You didn't let it affect your day to day life but I heard the sobs and I seen the tears at night when you thought I was sleeping. You don't have to be strong all the time, Meggie but maybe that's why I fell for you in the first place though. You always came off as if you could handle yourself. You were independent and you didn't change when we married. _

_I am so sorry for what I'm about to do. I'm sorry about everything with the LM and with taking Jude. I know I've started something which will end with either every Cross's death or Jude's. I can't honestly say which would be worse. I'm a bad person and I wouldn't expect you to forgive me but just remember that I always love you._

_My heart is with you_

_Ryan xoxo_

My whole body shook with trying to keep the sobs inside. I couldn't stop myself though. Ryan's words were proof. Proof he was determined. I couldn't pretend it was an accident or he hadn't thought it through at all because he had. But he had still cared and I hated him for that. He thought of me but not of what his death would do to me. Destroy me. Leave me a widow for two wayward sons. But I can't hate Ryan. I loved him and I still do. Every moment is a reminder of this, isn't it?

"Are you happy" I ask again looking up at the ceiling. I wonder what happens after death and I wonder if everyone knows I'm reading these and they're all standing there wondering what my reaction will be to their letters. I can't do this anymore, I tell myself and I get up but the next letter is glaring at me and I have to ask one question. Why is Callum's letter there?

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	4. Callum's Letter

Meggie's Letters

Chapter Three – Callum's Letter

By WickedSong

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Oh Callum. My youngest son. You shouldn't have died. You should've lived. You and Sephy should've married and brought up Callie Rose together. It was the only thing to do. But no you got caught. Kamal Hadley always wanted one of our family's heads in a noose and I guess you were the unlucky one. The one who deserved it the least. You and Lynette were always close. You both should be alive. But you're not. You're looking down at me right now aren't you Callum? You're probably worried about what I'll read in your letter and I doubt if I want to read it either. But I have to so I sit again and I sigh. Tears threaten to always explode with me and tonight they still are. 2:40am the clock says. I open the letter and place it on the couch just studying it before I pick it up to read.

_Dear Mum_

_I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. How many times can I write this to gain your forgiveness? How many times will I have to write this to gain Sephy's? How many times to gain my child's? I didn't mean to leave you all. If only. If only. If only. I seem to be repeating a lot today. I guess I'm nervous. I don't want to die mum. I don't want to leave you like dad and Lynette did. _

_Speaking of Lynette there is something you should know. Lynette committed suicide. She left me a note on my bed before she went out that night. I couldn't get to her in time. It's one of my biggest regrets. Right behind how I'm leaving Sephy and I'm leaving you. Practically childless._

_I wish I could say I didn't hate Jude. But I do. He plagued my mind with all sorts of lies and it took over me. I can't distinguish myself from the killer I have become. I hope you can see the good in me mum. I want you to tell my child about me. I want Sephy to tell him or her about me too. _

_Again I say I'm sorry mum. I love you. Please know this. Goodbye._

_Callum xo_

My head is so jumbled. Callum knew Lynette did that to herself and he lived with it for all the time until he died. Why he never told me I don't know. I breathe heavily to try to stop collapsing under all this. Maybe a nice mug of coffee is what I need. Yes, I think that'll do the trick. It'll make me relax. Make me forget… what am I trying to forget? Everything I've read I can't unread.

"I've told Callie about you. She loves you Callum" I say quietly "You don't know how much but I do. She misses you as well. She always told me it was silly to miss someone who she'd never met. She's cried over you too. Tobey's helped her though" I smile "I think you'd like Tobey, Callum. Would you? He reminds me of you" I put the letter down. I can't drink anything. I can't eat anything. Not until I get through these letters anyway. The knowledge of them and something in my stomach would never mix. So instead I put Callum's letter face down over Ryan's and Lynette's. It's safe now. Picking up the next a stray tear makes its way down my cheek. Jude, why did this happen?

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	5. Jude's Letter

Meggie's Letters

Chapter Four – Jude's Letter

By WickedSong

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So full of hate, I let him die. Jasmine managed to rid the world of him. In the process she got rid of herself. Do I miss Jude though? Yes. Even if he was an angry, hateful, spiteful, evil young man I couldn't help but still see him as my little boy who was angry about not getting into school. That was the trigger, I know that. I blame myself for that. Jasmine blamed herself for it too. I guess both of us were at fault. Ryan shares some of this blame, as do Lynette and Callum. In some way everyone in our family and Jasmine were responsible for Jude turning out the way he did. But I can't linger on that. I look at my feet and wish I had x-ray vision through the floor. I want to see Jude. I'm looking to hell for him. He's probably enjoying it down there. But how am I even sure there is a hell. I open the letter finally and shake my head to fight my fatigue. I'm tired but I have to finish these tonight or else I'll always avoid it, won't I?

_Dear Mum_

_I can tell I'm going to be dead soon. I wish I could tell you I was scared but I'm not. I don't feel anything anymore. The last piece of humanity that I had died when I killed Cara. She took it with her. All I could do was watch as the woman I had so stupidly let into my life die._

_I know you're probably surprised mum. I told you that I didn't kill a person, that I killed a Cross. The truth is I was hiding my own feelings about Cara. I loved her. I think she loved me. She tried to get inside my heart and I pushed her away the only way I could. I killed her. I punched her, I kicked her. I left her there. I've tried to fill the void left in my heart since then but nothing works. I haven't been able to sleep with any woman, every time I kill someone else I hear Cara's voice in the back of my head saying "Why? Why them? Why me?"_

_You were the only one who stood by me mum and I am grateful for that. For that reason you're the only one in this Earth that I can say sorry to right now. Sorry for starting this. Bringing Callum in, leaving Callie fatherless, and leaving you childless, without a husband._

_Your son_

_Jude_

I put the letter down and bring my hand to my mouth and I read it carefully this time. Jude felt remorse. He actually loved someone. Someone actually loved him. I guess towards the end of his life everyone, including Jude started seeing him as a monster. Everyone but me. I, as I said before still seen him as my little boy who I had raised from the time he was born. Wow, at that time I would have never guessed he would have turned out like he did. No one saw him as a scared little boy trying to look more powerful than he was. Jude, he wanted to change the world but he only knew the one way. Violence. He couldn't think of anything else. No wonder. I hang my head but I don't speak with Jude like I have with everyone else. He doesn't need any words. Jude was my first-born. I tried to bring him back to reality but I couldn't. His mind was warped with words of hate from when he didn't get into Heathcroft High to the moment he died. One more letter left. I put Jude's face down over Callum's and stare stonily at the remaining one. Jasmine's letter. I pick it up ready. No more breaking down Meggie.

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	6. Jasmine's Letter

Meggie's Letters

Chapter Five – Jasmine's Letter

By WickedSong

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She had told me many times before she died that she was sorry. She had a feeling that she had caused some of the misfortunes in my family's life. I would never say it to anyone but I thought she did too. I resented Jasmine Hadley a lot. I often wonder if things had been different what would have happened. No one could've prevented what had happened to Lynette. Jasmine Hadley, though, could've stopped Jude's path of self-destruction. She could've said something to prevent Callum being hanged. I know that both things hang with her heavily though and that's all I need to know from her. No hollow words in an apology just a face of regret every time Sephy or I began talking about Callum when she was around. Do it now Meggie, I tell myself as I stare at the envelope in my hand, just open it; I say again, it's so easy. So I tear it open and the letter falls out, on to the floor, Jasmine Hadley's last letter.

_Meggie_

_You and I, i__t has been rough, hasn't it? We were best friends for a while and then I stopped it. I regret that so much but not as much as other things I have done to your family, directly or indirectly. Indirectly I caused Jude's hate-filled life, didn't I? However directly, I let Callum hang. If anything I wish I could go back and tell my past self what would happen, who she'd be leaving fatherless or childless or without a husband. I let my own granddaughter grow up without a father who loved her. I know Callum would've loved Callie Rose._

_I am well aware that this apology may just end up in the bin because you think I don't mean it. But I do. You are and always will be my best friend Meggie. Nothing could change that. I wish I could change this, I really do but I can't. I hope you take this sorry and I hope you keep the letter. _

_Goodbye Meggie. I was honoured to be your friend._

_Jasmine_

I hold my heart and look up, for the fourth time that night.

"You were my best friend too Jasmine" I said sincerely "I hope you know that. I may blame you but I don't hate you. I couldn't hate you. I couldn't hate any of you" I said this to my family. I stand up and head for the bathroom for a moment. I pull the tap and the water floods out. I wash my face and dab some of the water on it to waken me up and to rid my face of the tear tracks I have. Sighing, I wander back to the dimly lit room and put Jasmine's letter face down at the top. Five letters, all from people who I loved and from people who loved me. All laid one on top of the other in a backwards order. I pick Jasmine's up.

"Goodbye" I say. Next I pick up Jude's "I love you son" I say smiling and I continue with the rest so that Lynette's is on the top again but they're still face down.

"Goodbye all of you" I gulp and I walk back to my bedroom. Flicking on the light switch I put the letters in a special box in my drawer so that no one will find them. I now know they're safe and with that closure I flick my light off, get into my bed and fall asleep. All my letter's read, it's a dreamless sleep and I know it'll be a long time until some wounds heal but this has helped. These letters which I thought a menace helped.

"Goodnight" I murmur slightly before I am caught into my sleep for the night.

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End of story. I told you it was short. This story was a personal favourite for me to write because I liked how it was so emotional. I don't know if I succeeded in making any one of my readers cry but I hope that you can give a review for the story.

Hope you enjoyed. Review please. :)


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